But, ‘I’m lucky’

“I’m lucky, at least I can do this,” I told myself recently as I stepped out of the bath after my second migraine of the day. What I really meant to tell myself is this “people have it much worse than you, you should suck it up and go on with your night.”

I stopped myself before my feet even hit the bathroom floor.

I had two migraines that day. And for those past two weeks I’d had them almost every single day. Most days I pushed through, even lying on my office floor waiting for an aura to pass so I can salvage the day and pretend everything is fine.

Yet, I invalidated myself by telling myself I’m “lucky.” I mean, yes, if you really think about it, I am lucky. For the most part, I function. But just because my migraine is “silent” to others, doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. It doesn’t mean I’m not sitting in my office wondering when these are going to get so bad I’ll lose my dream career I’ve built.

In less than three years I went from having at most 2-5 a YEAR. Now they’re chronic, (15 or more headache days a month). That’s a huge escalation. And I’m not going to pretend I’m not scared. I am, in fact, really scared.

Yet, I’m lucky, I tell myself. I could cry writing this. I could cry at the way I treat myself some days.

The point of this post is this:

Do not invalidate yourself because someone else has it worse. Someone else will ALWAYS have it worse than you.

Tonight, as I write this, I’m allowing myself to feel the emotions that are coming up. And to continue to seek treatment and fight these migraines.

I AM lucky, but I’m also allowed to feel the grief that comes with a chronic illness. The fear that comes with a chronic illness.

Be gentle with yourselves and each other, friends. We’re all going through something.

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